Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Get Wasted on a Date

Submitted by CAJ
Apparently, getting hammered on a date is a no-no. I don’t know this for a fact. I’m just basing this on a pattern that I’ve noticed, which is that after I get wasted on a date, I never EVER hear from the dude again. Yet I keep fucking doing it!! I’m an idiot, I know.

So in order to try to convince myself to stop this filthy habit, I racked my brain for a list of reasons why the the drunken dates need to stop, and here are the best ones I could come up with:

• Because you slur your words and mutter incomprehensibly

• Because you spit so much when you talk that it rains on your date’s face like Hurricane Andrew

• Because when you think you’re whispering sexily into his ear you’re actually screaming like the wailing hiss of death

• Because you might trip and knock out your two front teeth (this actually happened to a dear friend of mine)

• Because you might puke out the window of the car and then fall out of the car and onto the lawn with your left breast fully exposed (this actually happened to me)

• Because it’s hard to tell whether you’ve had consensual sex or were date raped

Pretty good reasons, eh? I think I’m convinced!! Let the near-sober dating begin!!!

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don’t get sloshed because the above listed items will happen.
2. Don’t black out in bed next to a man you don’t trust. Wait, back up. Don’t get wasted with a man you don’t trust because he might end up next to you in bed as you are blacked out. I know, I know. I, too, enjoy convincing myself that the hot ones ARE TRUSTWORTHY and only have my best interests at heart, just like the nerdy-looking, Stanford-educated ones, but really, this is not the case. The hotter they are, the more likely it is they’ll stick it in when (or WHERE) you least expect it.

For a good time don’t forget to check out MIXTT.com.

OMG your puppy is so cute!!

* To be fair, I admit to once being one of these annoying puppy stalkers. But never again.

I just got a new Beagle puppy, Lucky. He’s an adorbale, loving, playful, pooping machine. He has so much energy I’ve had to start taking him on hour long walks twice a day. I always thought it would be so fun to take a lil’ puppy for a walk around town and show him off. Not the case. People are annoying and have been ruining all of my fun. I can’t walk 10 steps without people stopping us and begging to pet him and drooling about how cute he is. I know he is. He’s mine. Back off. Poor little Lucky is going to have a complex when he gets older and people stop paying so much attention to him. I don’t want him having self confidence issues.

I hear the following phrases at least 20 times each time we go for a walk:

“OH MY GOD he’s SOOO cute.”

“How old is she? Oh, its a He. Well isn’t he just the cutest?!”

“Can I hold him?!!”

Not to mention we’re sometimes stalked/followed/chased by people:

“Excuse me! Excuse me! (this was a mom with her two children running after me. I had seen them on the corner but decided to play dumb and walk the other direction. My plan failed.) Do you mind if my little girls play with your puppy for a while? He’s just sooo cute.”

I realize I may sound like a selfish cute-puppy owner, but in all honesty the attention gets old after a while and I just want to be able to walk Lucky in peace. ( I imgaine this is how famous people feel.)

Also, one last thing… if you can’t resist “oohh-ing” and “awww-ing” at some poor lil’ tike please at least refrain from kissing the puppy on the head or lips. Some chick did that to Lucky and I swear I almost gagged. ONLY I can kiss my baby on the head. Why on earth would I want your lips on my puppy??!?!

Oh, and as far as dating goes (since this blog is supposed to be about dating)… By far the best way to pick up guys/girls/old people etc. is by walking a cute lil’ puppy around.

“I just want to focus on my career right now.”

Oh please. Seriously?

How many of you have tried using, or caught someone using this story on you: ” I’m sorry, its not you, its just not a good time for me. I really want to focus on my career and get settled before i get into a relationship.”

Do people actually buy this line??

I’ll be honest, if I EVER use this line on you, its my half-ass attempt at trying to dump you gently. I’m also mocking your intelligence.

Similarily, if any guy ever tried to use this line on me to break it off I would laugh in his face, tell him to grow a pair, and then go home and cry myself to sleep. Its obvious, what an excuse like that really means is that the person is just not that into you.

I had a guy recently tell me he used this line on some nice girls that he wanted to let down gently.  Believe it or not, 6 months later he is still trying to hide from them that he is in a relationship because he doesn’t want to hurt them. As if these girls didn’t realize exactly what was going on the second he used the career excuse!

AS IF!

For a good time don’t forget to check out MIXTT.com.

Dating Tip for Boys

Submitted by: A.G.

Alright boys, listen up. There’s one little seemingly innocuous phrase
y’all keep uttering prematurely that really pisses us girls off—”I’m
just not looking for a relationship right now.”  Unless a girl you are
sort of dating/hooking up with explicitly asks you where you see things
going, saying this line is presumptuous, annoying and a major
mood-killer. How? Why? These are good questions.

Let’s be honest—when you’re really into a girl, you don’t close
yourself off to the possibility of things getting serious. So “I’m not
looking for a relationship right now” can only be interpreted in the
following ways:
1. “I’m not looking for a relationship with you.”
2. “I just want to get laid right now, but I’m trying to maintain a
good-guy image by being up front about my hornball intentions.”
3. “I’m being rude and presumptuous by assuming that you want a relationship with me even though I don’t want one with you.”

Actually, come to think of it, there is really no good reason to
ever use that phrase, since we all know that it means one of these
three things, or often times D) all of the above.

It’s been my
experience that the best relationships sneak up on you precisely when
you’re not looking for one, so scaring potential mates away by
appearing relationship-phobic is never a good strategy.  If you’re not
interested in dating a girl exclusively and you have reason to believe
that she wants more, you owe it to her (and to your good guy
self-image) to be honest and explicit about your intentions. However,
if you’ve been having fun with a girl and have no idea what level of
commitment she wants from you, don’t insult her by presuming that she’s
already picking out your babies’ names.  The vast majority of my female
friends are intelligent, independent girls who would much rather be
alone or dating casually than wasting time with a guy who is wrong for
them or just not that into them. We can handle the truth. So feel free
to stop bending/sugarcoating it.

And if you’re one of those guys who goes around thinking that every
girl is dying to be your girlfriend, calm down—I just asked if that
seat was taken.

________________________________________________________

For a good time don’t forget to check out MIXTT.com.

Who should pick up the bill?

My own rules of engagement:

1. If a guy asks me out on a date, he must pay. What if he doesn’t? Then he is DUNZO.

2. If a guy who is interested in me lets me pay for half the bill I will consider him cheap, poor, and ill-mannered. Read: Not worth my time.

3. It is OK for guys to let me buy the dessert or something small like that. Not on the first date though.

* Note: once you are actually boyfriend/girlfriend the rules change and anything is game. My favorite method is letting whoever earns more pick up most of the bills.

**Special Note: In the off chance that I do make more than my man and have to pick up most of the bills — Wait, what am I talking about?? No way I would put up with that. Next!

My final words of wisdom: Guys, you have nothing to lose (other than the obvious, money) by stepping up and paying. Women may pretend that they don’t like to be paid for and want to help out, but WARNING:DO NOT fall for this, we are just testing you. Pick up the damn bill. Please.

Whats your take? Click on the link below to take our poll:

Who pays for dinner dates?
( polls)

How to scare the shit out of a guy on a second “date”

Submitted by Dutch

Quick background:
I met a girl playing in a co-ed softball tournament; we shall call her Crazy-Pants. We flirted all day during the tournament and after it was over, we decided to hang out and have dinner together. Dinner turned into movie on her couch where we had a great time getting to know each other. I felt like I didn’t want to rush anything so I kissed her goodnight and went home.
I called her up a few days later to set up a second date. Since I’m not a traditional-type-of-date kind of guy, I decided dinner or a movie wouldn’t do. We were both athletes that enjoyed competing, so I decided laser tag would be a sweet second date. I imagined whipping her ass at that, getting ice cream and then finding a playground to play on the swings. I propositioned her and she was all about it. When Friday night came along, however, plans took a turn for disaster.
Friday:
Crazy-Pants worked on Friday serving at a sports bar so I was going to wait till she got off work and pick her up at her place at 8PM. On my way to her house, at around 7:30PM, I called her up to make sure she was ready to go. Turns out she wasn’t. After she had gotten off work, she decided to have some drinks with co-workers and good friends at the bar. She asked if I wanted to come and join them at a friend’s house. Not wanting to be a party pooper, I went with the flow. I met her at a gas station near the house we were headed to. She greeted me with a hug and kiss, which I was happy to accept, but figured out quickly that she was hammered drunk. At that moment, I’m not exactly sure what I was more perturbed about in the situation:
a) Her completely gaffing off our date plans to hang out with people she sees all the time.
b) Her driving drunk (turns out she had a past DUI).
c) Her showing up to the date drunk.
None of the choices were amusing to me at all. I played along though and went to meet her friends. (I followed her to the house since she wouldn’t let me take her keys, classic non-sober move.) When I entered the home, I found a lack of people my age (ps-I’m 26, she is 24). Apparently the people she likes to hang out with are older, married couples in their 40’s. There were 4 couples, Crazy-Pants, and myself. Everyone except for me was drunk. I’m not talking, a-few-too-many-glasses-of-wine drunk, which is standard for people of this age group…I’m talking, we’ve-been-taking-tequila-shooters-since-four-in-the-afternoon stumbling drunk.
She takes me around to meet everyone and then I sit on the couch to visit with the drunks. The very first conversation is with a woman that tells us about her husband, how long they have been together, and how great marriage is. We shall call her Drunk Old Lady (DOL). She finishes her lecture and then turns her attention to us.
(My thoughts and facial expressions shall be in parenthesis from here on out…)
DOL: “so are you two thinking about getting married?” (WTF? and eyes open in shock)
Crazy-Pants: “well we’ve only been dating a week (we have? And confusion), but who knows where things will go from here (absolutely terrified, but I keep a straight poker face).
Dutch: absolute silence
The girls continue to talk to themselves about our future together while I nearly blackout. I can’t decided whether to A) sweat this out a little longer since the situation is terrifying, yet morbidly humorous or B) throw this girl off my lap and sprint to my car. I go with what makes a better story in life and hang out for a while. Thankfully there was a Giants game going on that I could watch and occupy my mind from this clusterfuck of a situation. Crazy-Pants continues to parade me around to her friends, but I am as lame of a guy than I have ever been, replying with one word answers and short statements when possible. Another odd conversation comes up later.
Random Dude: So where is Jeremy tonight? (who is Jeremy?)
Crazy-Pants: Oh I dropped him off at my mom’s today. (is Jeremy her child?!?)
She then looks at me and tells me she has a 7 year old kid, and then quickly changes the subject with the other person, just like I wouldn’t notice or care. (Maybe I should pretend to go to the bathroom and leave). I could be wrong, but that seems like something I might tell my date on the first date…..or maybe tell them before starting to plan our wedding.
Meanwhile, Crazy-Pants tried to pump me full of alcohol, which would have been helpful, to smooth the situation out, but I had decided to drive home ASAP and thus refrained. Pretty soon Crazy-Pants took me aside and asked why I wasn’t myself. I explained that I felt out place, but she couldn’t understand why I would ever feel awkward. That was the last straw. This girl was as dumb as bricks and socially inept if she couldn’t empathize with the disturbing situation she had put me in, so I told her I wasn’t feeling well and was going to leave. She then offered to leave with me so we could go back to her place and fool around……riiiiiiiiiiiight. I couldn’t be more turned off by this situation. She could have offered to blow me for an hour while I drank beer and watched Sports Center and I still would have passed. This girl was hot, but it was obvious that my penis was not going to be in charge this evening. I took off from that house and never called her again…She probably thinks we are still dating.
So here are some great ideas for how to scare a guy away immediately. For guys, dating is not always an easy street. Sex is not always the first thing on the guy’s mind. I’m glad this girl made it easy for me to see the crazy side of her before I jumped into a situation that would have been much more difficult to get out of.
Date carefully and take care, Dutch

The Stylist

Submitted by G.R.
I’m a believer in the power of groups, and I think the MIXTT concept is a sound one because almost all of my dating successes have stemmed from getting different groups of friends together in a casual setting where we can connect without pressure. But let it be said that the groups should not be stacked all on one side!

I was fresh off the worst disappointment ever and not really looking for a new entanglement.  I had just arrived at my friend’s birthday party, when his folks pulled me aside to announce they’d set me up. The dad was like “Have I got the girl for you!”. Stepmom added “She’s my stylist; she’s such a doll…(pause)…she’s kind of heavy, but she’s so naturally pretty – and she’s really been losing weight lately!” Oh boy. I thanked them for their efforts and got myself a martini to brace for the inevitable.

Soon after, I got pulled over to meet my alleged dream girl.  They weren’t kidding about the “kind of heavy” part. I like curves, don’t get me wrong – Kate Moss is not my ideal of femininity. But we were talking “starting offensive lineman for the Cowboys”, plus she was wearing her weight in makeup. Still, I faked all the charm I could as she started talking my head off. After a few minutes in which I’d barely gotten a word in edgewise, she asks me point blank, “So, do you want to go out on a dinner date with me?” I was dumbfounded. Not only had we had no time to establish any chemistry, but she was surrounded by her whole entourage of Gay Best Friend types. I was like “Uhh…” and the entourage started demanding, “C’mon! Aren’t you gonna say YES?”

I stammered “Sure, OK”. Real smooth.

Then the real talking started. She was going off about the rigors of being a personal stylist, and told me that without her expertise, my friend’s dad, who’s a very sharp-looking guy, would be one big mass of unibrow and nose hair. Then she started carrying on about what a great cook she was and how she’d make me the best steak I’ve ever had. She was clearly thinking about dates 3, 4, move-in, etc. I had to rescue myself.

Then she started asking me what my dream date would be like, since it was obviously about to come true. I reflected and said, “To be honest, I think dates are overrated. If you don’t skip straight to sex, what’s the point?”

Her jaw dropped and she exclaimed “I was told you were such a nice guy! I am SHOCKED!”

“Nah, I’m an unrepentant manwhore.”

“Well, which is it? Are you a nice guy or a manwhore?”

“I’m a little of both.”

“Well, I don’t play that game! I’ve had God in my life since I was 18!”

“Good for you.”

“Well, consider our date off!”

“Whew!” (I said it loud and proud, as the peanut gallery groaned in disappointment).

(The whole exchange was probably longer and more painful in reality, but that’s more or less how it went down).

Can a single guy and a single girl be just friends? What’s your take?

Can a single guy and a single girl be just friends?
( polls)

Also, here is a link to my favorite article on the subject: Can a single man and a single woman be friends without sexual tension arising?

Cragie Awards: Photo Submissions continued…

• Most Likely to Live with His Mother: Hmm… now WHAT on EARTH would possess me to think such a thing? Could it be because he sent me AN ENTIRE FUCKING PHOTO ALBUM OF PHOTOS OF HIM AND HIS DEAR MOTHER?!!!? Hey, Mama’s Boy! Here’s the typical order of events: 1st date where YOU PAY –> numerous other fun/romantic/creative/adventurous dates over the course of months/years –> asteroid-sized rock on my left finger –> introduction to your family where mommy dearest sits down and TORTURES me with your LAME ASS family albums as I feign interest about what an adorable boy you once were!!!

• Most Unnecessary Special Effects: One picture completely confused me because of its weird editing that added NO VALUE whatsoever. He took a photo of himself and then cut out the picture of his head and then pasted it slightly to the right of his body. As you can imagine, THERE IS NO APPARENT FUCKING REASON FOR THIS other than to show he has delusions that looking disembodied would get me off. HEY, FUCKOFF, nowhere in my ad did I mention, “BTW, my full name is Hannibal Lecter.”

• Best Movie Impersonation: Ever see The Blair Witch Project? Remember how CREEPY AS FUCK the characters looked when they would turn the camera on themselves in the darkness, with only the tiniest bit of light shining onto their frightened, shadowy faces? Yeah, so how do you think I felt when I opened my goddamn EMAIL hoping to see an Abercrombie-Like Adonis only to have some FUCKED UP BLAIR WITCH MOTHER FUCKER LEERING AT ME?!?! SHIIIIIIIIIIT! I almost started crying (I never actually cry for I’m incapable of tears and most feminine emotions). I thought the freak was going to seriously come flying out of my laptop, kill me with a stick, and hang my half-eaten corpse from a tree in the wilderness. I still can’t believe I live to tell this story. I now know exactly how cancer survivors feel, and beating death validates something that I’ve always believed — that I really WAS put on this earth to mock and judge others and that I am meant to continue doing so for decades to come. And this is a blessing to us all.

• Most Age Inappropriate Suitor: I couldn’t believe it, but a fucking GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDFATHER responded to my ad. I actually read through his entire email hoping to read a story about how he used to sip tea with George Washington. To make matters worse, Father Time was wearing a fanny pack and about 45 extra pounds around his midsection. I don’t even know how he was standing upright on his own. Suuuure, geezer, you’re just “leaning” on that fucking pole. I bet you’re hiding a defibrillator behind that damn tree, too! Are you also going to tell me how proud you are of your great great grandson, Alexandros, King of Macedon?! And is your baby picture found somewhere among the Lescaux Cave Paintings? Here’s some handy advice: if someone is so fucking old he used to WALK ACROSS WHAT WE NOW CALL “THE PACIFIC OCEAN,” a photo is utterly meaningless in his pursuit of a girl in her 20s. Either email proof that you are worth over $100 million or fuck off.

Craigie Awards: Photo Submissions

Submitted by CAJ

Hello, dear reader(s).

As part of my Masochistic Craigslist Experiment, I will be presenting awards, which I will call Craigies, to the unwitting respondents of my Craigslist ad.

I will first begin with Craigies awarded for photo submissions. Please note that while I’m ABSOLUTELY DYING (seriously DYYYYYYING) to post the actual photos I received in order to better tell the stories, I think that posting photos would be heinously bitchy because stupidity and ugliness do not justify such cruelty. But DO NOT for one fucking second take this rare act of kindness on my part to be a sign of weakness because, in addition to being delightfully charming, I’m unbreakable. UNBREAKABLE.

• Most Annoying Photo: One dude sent me a photo of himself in a MASQUERADE MASK. Psst! Phantom of the Opera! I can still tell YOU ARE UGLY.

• Most Repulsive Outfit: A man with an afro sent me a picture of himself wearing a purple, leopard-print, short-sleeved, button-down shirt. No, I did not pull those adjectives out of a grab bag of synonyms for BUTT UGLY CLOTHING DESCRIPTIONS. What this shirt needed was flames on it. Not printed flames. Real flames. Engulfing it. Like in Backdraft. And I’m hoping for his sake that somewhere in the background of this photo there sits a faithful seeing eye dog that explains this “situation” (not that that would stop me from mocking and spitting on him or kicking his dog for not doing its job). Oh, by the way. This wasn’t a candid shot where he was out with his friends at one of those “unbelievably creative, unique, and rare” Pimps and Hos parties that is the theme of EVERY OTHER FUCKING PARTY IN THE WORLD. No. This was a fucking posed, “professional” studio photo, so planning, time, money, AND delusions actually went into this bullshit picture. Let us offer a moment of silence for his penis, which has never before felt the soft, warm touch of a vaginal wall. Amen.

• Most Idiotic Mistake: One guy sent me two photos. In one, he looked hot and athletic in a basketball jersey — totally bangable. In another, he looked like he’d spent the past 4 years eating fried, chocolate-dipped hippopotamus lardballs. Now, which is probably the more recent one? Yes, even the idiots among us (god why are there so many of you) know that we generally pack ON the pounds as we age. What was Tubbo McDoritos thinking?!!? Why the FUCK would I give a mother fuck if he USED TO BE FIT? Why the FUCK is he showing me what he WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE if he hadn’t let himself go?!?! Do 47 year-old cougars try to pick up men by saying that they USED TO BE 17? Would I date a merely middle-class man who USED TO BE A BILLIONAIRE? Fuck no! Fucking grow a brain.

Don’t worry, there are plenty more awards to be given. Stay tuned…

Gangbangs, though fun, are not romantic.

Submitted by CAJ

This is a little tale that will demonstrate how fucking clueless and inept I am when it comes to men, dating, and everyday common sense. In other words, it’s no different from any of my other posts.

A boy I had met at a bar (stop judging…where else am I supposed to meet high-caliber man? my fucking “friends” aren’t doing SHIT to introduce me to people) called me and asked me out for drinks. We agreed to meet at a local wine bar for we both happen to be quintessential yuppies (yes, between 7:30 at 6, I am a real working “professional” who doesn’t use the word “fuck” in every other sentence).

So I agreed to go out with this boy, “Google Boy #1″ (I originally wanted to just go with “Google Boy,” by my foresight cautioned me that I’d better number these dorks because I’ll likely whore it up with Google to try to get a free lunch ticket to their world-renowned cafeteria). Ehhhhh…. fuck it! His real name is “Andy,” which I’m revealing because the bastard later rejected me.

When I agreed to go out with Andy, I warned him that I had already made dinner plans with some friends visiting from the UK (for I am a beloved global figure), so I’d have to call Andy afterward to figure out where to meet up.

My friends showed up at the restaurant and had brought other friends, so I was now with four black men. Unbeknownst to me at the time, 4 black men + 1 girl ==> gangbang. Or, it might lead to something like these men running a train on me. Anyhow, I was oblivious to all of this at the time and never stopped to wonder if Andy, a white, boarding-school-bred, Duke- and Cornell-educated Googler, would find it weird if I were to show up to our date with these four black men. Fuck you. Even genius must rest at some points.

So I went to the wine bar to meet Andy — with Arthur, Ole, Kole, and Ade in tow. I then witnessed the flesh of a white man somehow manage to lose even more color. Andy was both confused and scared shitless. I ignored this obvious discomfort and focused on my priority of the evening: DRINKING. So I screamed out, “Let’s drink, bitchesssssssss!”

We proceeded to guzzle a few bottles of wine together and then moved onto a nearby lounge so that we could dance the night away (no, Andy had not run home crying like a little bitch yet ). Arthur, Ole, Kole, and Ade were amazing dancers. The girls all wanted to freak with them. Andy… Andy danced like a deaf white boy, and the sad thing is, he was getting ALL into it. NO, it is NOT fucking “cute” when a guy TRIES to dance even though he can’t. It’s fucking humiliating and uncalled for. It’s the reason why I have to cram a damn straightjacket in my fucking clutch every time I take a white man to a club.

I eventually grew tired of watching Andy struggle to find the beat. A hooker would struggle less with reading An Introduction to Modern Astrophysics. So I invited him to sit down with me so that we could chat alone and get to know each other better. This is when Andy finally confessed his feelings about this first date of ours. He told me, “When you first walked in with four black guys, I was totally weirded out, but then I thought, ‘This girl must be a freak!’” And so he asked me out on another date (he would later learn the hard way just how freaky I am, but that’s a story for another day).

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. You can take a man on the world’s worst date, but if he thinks you’ll let him do anal, he’ll ask you out again.
2. Nerdy white boys are intimidated by black men, even if the black men are highly-educated and have refined British accents; therefore, do not bring such black men on your dates with nerdy white boys.
3. You should arrive at your dates alone, not with a group of men (I actually had to go back and ADD this because it completely escaped me when I first wrote this).

For a good time don’t forget to check out: www.mixtt.com