Submitted by C.A.J.
Q: What do you do if you’re on a date with a guy whom you suspect is gay?
Disclaimer: Why are you asking ME for advice? Would you ask a hooker if she subscribes to The Economist? Oh well, f#$@ it!
Answer: DITCH HIS GAY ASS! Are you kidding me with that question?
Okay, in all seriousness, you might someday go on a date with someone whom you suspect is gay. This has happened to me on several occasions because gay men are drawn to my strong personality, impeccable style, and quick wit. Oh yeah, they like cocky b#%^@s, too.
Anyhoo, I agreed to meet this dude, let’s call him Tinkerbell (Tinks for short), at a sports bar. Do you want to know what Tinks showed up wearing? A turquoise polo shirt. I was like, are we in Nantucket? WTF?!?!
I let this slide and didn’t run out the side door because I really am trying to be more open-minded.
We then discussed our drink orders, and Tinks tells me he thinks he’s going to get a COSMO a la Sex and the City. I looked at him, waiting for him to start busting out laughing out loud. He didn’t. I kept waiting. He didn’t. My heart started racing, and I realized, this motherf@#@er is gay! Tinks is f#@ing gay! He is literally ordering a cosmo at a sports bar!
But again, I do not yet run out the door because this is the new open-minded me. Perhaps he is a secure, modern man who just enjoys cosmos! Yes, that’s it. PLEASE LET THAT BE IT.
We start talking more, and I am distracted by his voice and hand gestures. Is Tink’s voice more feminine than mine? Indeed, it is. Is he signing to me? WHAT is going on with his hands?
OMG HE IS GAY! HE IS TOTALLY GAY!
Now, I have absolutely nothing against the gays. Half of my best friends are gay, but I don’t date them. We shop together, and they tell me how fabulous I look in my Hermes scarves, but that’s it.
Anyhow, back to the story, I had to draw the line. This boy was obviously completely confused, and I am not going to be that girl who taught a man that he was actually gay. So I busted out of that bar and shouted, “Taxi!” and left his ass in the dust. And I still believe that was the mature solution.
LESSONS LEARNED:
1. If a man shows up to a date wearing a pastel shirt, pretend you didn’t see him and leave the scene immediately.
2. If he catches you trying to walk out, scream out “Keep away, gay boy!” and just start running. Don’t look back because it’ll just slow you down. I know from experience.
3. If a man drinks any of the following drinks, he is gay: cosmo, appletini, anything pink or red. Take that drink and chug it. Then leave. Apply lesson #2 if necessary.
