Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Get Wasted on a Date

Submitted by CAJ
Apparently, getting hammered on a date is a no-no. I don’t know this for a fact. I’m just basing this on a pattern that I’ve noticed, which is that after I get wasted on a date, I never EVER hear from the dude again. Yet I keep fucking doing it!! I’m an idiot, I know.

So in order to try to convince myself to stop this filthy habit, I racked my brain for a list of reasons why the the drunken dates need to stop, and here are the best ones I could come up with:

• Because you slur your words and mutter incomprehensibly

• Because you spit so much when you talk that it rains on your date’s face like Hurricane Andrew

• Because when you think you’re whispering sexily into his ear you’re actually screaming like the wailing hiss of death

• Because you might trip and knock out your two front teeth (this actually happened to a dear friend of mine)

• Because you might puke out the window of the car and then fall out of the car and onto the lawn with your left breast fully exposed (this actually happened to me)

• Because it’s hard to tell whether you’ve had consensual sex or were date raped

Pretty good reasons, eh? I think I’m convinced!! Let the near-sober dating begin!!!

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don’t get sloshed because the above listed items will happen.
2. Don’t black out in bed next to a man you don’t trust. Wait, back up. Don’t get wasted with a man you don’t trust because he might end up next to you in bed as you are blacked out. I know, I know. I, too, enjoy convincing myself that the hot ones ARE TRUSTWORTHY and only have my best interests at heart, just like the nerdy-looking, Stanford-educated ones, but really, this is not the case. The hotter they are, the more likely it is they’ll stick it in when (or WHERE) you least expect it.

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