Where’d he get that cash from? He got it from his mama.

Submitted by CAJ

The one you’re about to hear is a DOOZY. It’s a prime example of why I now believe that it’s okay to ask obnoxious screening questions before committing to a first date.

I was feeling adventurous, so I agreed to have drinks after work with a quasi-cute guy who seemed pretty nice. I met him at a bar that I chose because it’s gorgeous and has an awesome happy hour deal. The awkwardness and hideousness of this tale is best expressed, I feel, in the format of a script. My date’s character shall be called “Muni,” which also happens to be the name of the San Francisco bus system. My name shall be “Alexis” in order to protect my identity and the feelings of those about whom I so honestly blog.

SCENE: The outdoor patio of a trendy bar in San Francisco.

Muni: Hi, Alexis ! Nice to see you!
Alexis: Hey, Muni! Thanks for coming all the way over here for drinks!

[Muni and Alexis sit down at a table for two, peruse the menu, and order a round or drinks.]

Alexis: So how was work today? You’re a teacher, right?
Muni: Yes, but I didn’t work today.
Alexis: Oh, really? Why not?
Muni: I’m a substitute teacher. I’m still trying to get my teaching credential.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "WTF?!?! You're 28 years old and you don't even have a full time job?!?!]

Alexis: Well, that’s great. Teaching is a really noble profession, and I know that male teachers are really in demand. So where in the city do you live?
Muni: On Street I Forgot and Street I Forgot.
Alexis: Cool! Do you have roommates or do you live alone?
Muni: I live with my parents.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "OH HELLZ TO THE NO. FUCK THIS SHIT!"]

Alexis: Ohhhhhh… COOL. So what do you do when you’re not teaching?
Muni: Ummm… I lift weights.
Alexis: Awesome. Do you like to run? I love running outside.
Muni: I can’t run because of my knees.
Alexis: Awww, that’s too bad. So what else do you like to do in your free time?
Muni: I like watching wrestling.

[The check comes, and it totals $10.]

Alexis: Do you want me to pay for half?
Muni: Yeah, that would be awesome!

[Alexis thinks to herself, "NO, he di-n't!!!" Alexis literally puts $7 on the table (to help cover the tip as well) and vows to herself that she's done with this man. Alexis DOES NOT date men who live with their MOTHERS because Alexis is not 14 years old. Alexis is a grown woman who needs to find a man who has moved out of his parents' house and who has a full-time job. Alexis decides that this date must end IMMEDIATELY.]

Alexis: Well, it was great meeting you. I have to run! I’m actually going to go catch a basketball game at [SF Bar].
Muni: Cool! That sounds like fun! I think I’ll join you! How are you getting there? Are you taking the bus?
Alexis: Yeah, I was…
Muni: Great. Let’s go.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Alexis and Muni board a bus to the bar. The ride is painful. Alexis holds back tears as Muni tells her about how he had posted a Craigslist Missed Connection the prior week about a hot girl he had seen at the gym. Alexis and Muni arrive at the bar.]

Alexis: I’m hungry. I’m going to order nachos.
Muni: That sounds good. Can I split it with you?

[Alexis thinks, "NO! GO AWAY! I FUCKING HATE YOU!"]

Alexis: Yeah, sure!

[Hours of a basketball game pass as Alexis and Muni split nachos over very little conversation. Of course, the game goes into overtime. OF COURSE! The check comes.]

Alexis: I can get it.
Muni: Cool!
Alexis: It’s getting late. I’d better get home.
Muni: Can I walk you home?
Alexis: No, I don’t want you to know where I live.
Muni: [laughs]
Alexis: [laughs] Bye!!!

[Alexis walks home, vowing she will never date another man again. She occasionally turns around to make sure that Muni is not watching her to see where she lives. She arrives home and goes to bed, snuggled up closely to the feeling that she experiences after every date -- REGRET.]

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Questions it’s okay to ask a man before you agree to go on a date with him: Do you have a full-time job? Do you live at home with your mother? Are you too poor to take me out on a $10 date?
2. On a bad date, NEVER tell a man you’re going somewhere afterward because you could end up going on a 6-hour date that should have ended after 30 minutes. Just say you’re going home to sleep. Even if it’s 6 PM. Fuck it! Lie! Do whatever it takes to shake him! To be extra certain he won’t try to follow you, throw in a comment about how you were totally joking about being from town and that you’re actually from Siberia but are leaving the next morning, never to return because you’re terminally ill!