Gangbangs, though fun, are not romantic.

Submitted by CAJ

This is a little tale that will demonstrate how fucking clueless and inept I am when it comes to men, dating, and everyday common sense. In other words, it’s no different from any of my other posts.

A boy I had met at a bar (stop judging…where else am I supposed to meet high-caliber man? my fucking “friends” aren’t doing SHIT to introduce me to people) called me and asked me out for drinks. We agreed to meet at a local wine bar for we both happen to be quintessential yuppies (yes, between 7:30 at 6, I am a real working “professional” who doesn’t use the word “fuck” in every other sentence).

So I agreed to go out with this boy, “Google Boy #1″ (I originally wanted to just go with “Google Boy,” by my foresight cautioned me that I’d better number these dorks because I’ll likely whore it up with Google to try to get a free lunch ticket to their world-renowned cafeteria). Ehhhhh…. fuck it! His real name is “Andy,” which I’m revealing because the bastard later rejected me.

When I agreed to go out with Andy, I warned him that I had already made dinner plans with some friends visiting from the UK (for I am a beloved global figure), so I’d have to call Andy afterward to figure out where to meet up.

My friends showed up at the restaurant and had brought other friends, so I was now with four black men. Unbeknownst to me at the time, 4 black men + 1 girl ==> gangbang. Or, it might lead to something like these men running a train on me. Anyhow, I was oblivious to all of this at the time and never stopped to wonder if Andy, a white, boarding-school-bred, Duke- and Cornell-educated Googler, would find it weird if I were to show up to our date with these four black men. Fuck you. Even genius must rest at some points.

So I went to the wine bar to meet Andy — with Arthur, Ole, Kole, and Ade in tow. I then witnessed the flesh of a white man somehow manage to lose even more color. Andy was both confused and scared shitless. I ignored this obvious discomfort and focused on my priority of the evening: DRINKING. So I screamed out, “Let’s drink, bitchesssssssss!”

We proceeded to guzzle a few bottles of wine together and then moved onto a nearby lounge so that we could dance the night away (no, Andy had not run home crying like a little bitch yet ). Arthur, Ole, Kole, and Ade were amazing dancers. The girls all wanted to freak with them. Andy… Andy danced like a deaf white boy, and the sad thing is, he was getting ALL into it. NO, it is NOT fucking “cute” when a guy TRIES to dance even though he can’t. It’s fucking humiliating and uncalled for. It’s the reason why I have to cram a damn straightjacket in my fucking clutch every time I take a white man to a club.

I eventually grew tired of watching Andy struggle to find the beat. A hooker would struggle less with reading An Introduction to Modern Astrophysics. So I invited him to sit down with me so that we could chat alone and get to know each other better. This is when Andy finally confessed his feelings about this first date of ours. He told me, “When you first walked in with four black guys, I was totally weirded out, but then I thought, ‘This girl must be a freak!’” And so he asked me out on another date (he would later learn the hard way just how freaky I am, but that’s a story for another day).

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. You can take a man on the world’s worst date, but if he thinks you’ll let him do anal, he’ll ask you out again.
2. Nerdy white boys are intimidated by black men, even if the black men are highly-educated and have refined British accents; therefore, do not bring such black men on your dates with nerdy white boys.
3. You should arrive at your dates alone, not with a group of men (I actually had to go back and ADD this because it completely escaped me when I first wrote this).

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