Craigie Awards: Photo Submissions

Submitted by CAJ

Hello, dear reader(s).

As part of my Masochistic Craigslist Experiment, I will be presenting awards, which I will call Craigies, to the unwitting respondents of my Craigslist ad.

I will first begin with Craigies awarded for photo submissions. Please note that while I’m ABSOLUTELY DYING (seriously DYYYYYYING) to post the actual photos I received in order to better tell the stories, I think that posting photos would be heinously bitchy because stupidity and ugliness do not justify such cruelty. But DO NOT for one fucking second take this rare act of kindness on my part to be a sign of weakness because, in addition to being delightfully charming, I’m unbreakable. UNBREAKABLE.

• Most Annoying Photo: One dude sent me a photo of himself in a MASQUERADE MASK. Psst! Phantom of the Opera! I can still tell YOU ARE UGLY.

• Most Repulsive Outfit: A man with an afro sent me a picture of himself wearing a purple, leopard-print, short-sleeved, button-down shirt. No, I did not pull those adjectives out of a grab bag of synonyms for BUTT UGLY CLOTHING DESCRIPTIONS. What this shirt needed was flames on it. Not printed flames. Real flames. Engulfing it. Like in Backdraft. And I’m hoping for his sake that somewhere in the background of this photo there sits a faithful seeing eye dog that explains this “situation” (not that that would stop me from mocking and spitting on him or kicking his dog for not doing its job). Oh, by the way. This wasn’t a candid shot where he was out with his friends at one of those “unbelievably creative, unique, and rare” Pimps and Hos parties that is the theme of EVERY OTHER FUCKING PARTY IN THE WORLD. No. This was a fucking posed, “professional” studio photo, so planning, time, money, AND delusions actually went into this bullshit picture. Let us offer a moment of silence for his penis, which has never before felt the soft, warm touch of a vaginal wall. Amen.

• Most Idiotic Mistake: One guy sent me two photos. In one, he looked hot and athletic in a basketball jersey — totally bangable. In another, he looked like he’d spent the past 4 years eating fried, chocolate-dipped hippopotamus lardballs. Now, which is probably the more recent one? Yes, even the idiots among us (god why are there so many of you) know that we generally pack ON the pounds as we age. What was Tubbo McDoritos thinking?!!? Why the FUCK would I give a mother fuck if he USED TO BE FIT? Why the FUCK is he showing me what he WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE if he hadn’t let himself go?!?! Do 47 year-old cougars try to pick up men by saying that they USED TO BE 17? Would I date a merely middle-class man who USED TO BE A BILLIONAIRE? Fuck no! Fucking grow a brain.

Don’t worry, there are plenty more awards to be given. Stay tuned…