Cragie Awards: Photo Submissions continued…

• Most Likely to Live with His Mother: Hmm… now WHAT on EARTH would possess me to think such a thing? Could it be because he sent me AN ENTIRE FUCKING PHOTO ALBUM OF PHOTOS OF HIM AND HIS DEAR MOTHER?!!!? Hey, Mama’s Boy! Here’s the typical order of events: 1st date where YOU PAY –> numerous other fun/romantic/creative/adventurous dates over the course of months/years –> asteroid-sized rock on my left finger –> introduction to your family where mommy dearest sits down and TORTURES me with your LAME ASS family albums as I feign interest about what an adorable boy you once were!!!

• Most Unnecessary Special Effects: One picture completely confused me because of its weird editing that added NO VALUE whatsoever. He took a photo of himself and then cut out the picture of his head and then pasted it slightly to the right of his body. As you can imagine, THERE IS NO APPARENT FUCKING REASON FOR THIS other than to show he has delusions that looking disembodied would get me off. HEY, FUCKOFF, nowhere in my ad did I mention, “BTW, my full name is Hannibal Lecter.”

• Best Movie Impersonation: Ever see The Blair Witch Project? Remember how CREEPY AS FUCK the characters looked when they would turn the camera on themselves in the darkness, with only the tiniest bit of light shining onto their frightened, shadowy faces? Yeah, so how do you think I felt when I opened my goddamn EMAIL hoping to see an Abercrombie-Like Adonis only to have some FUCKED UP BLAIR WITCH MOTHER FUCKER LEERING AT ME?!?! SHIIIIIIIIIIT! I almost started crying (I never actually cry for I’m incapable of tears and most feminine emotions). I thought the freak was going to seriously come flying out of my laptop, kill me with a stick, and hang my half-eaten corpse from a tree in the wilderness. I still can’t believe I live to tell this story. I now know exactly how cancer survivors feel, and beating death validates something that I’ve always believed — that I really WAS put on this earth to mock and judge others and that I am meant to continue doing so for decades to come. And this is a blessing to us all.

• Most Age Inappropriate Suitor: I couldn’t believe it, but a fucking GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDFATHER responded to my ad. I actually read through his entire email hoping to read a story about how he used to sip tea with George Washington. To make matters worse, Father Time was wearing a fanny pack and about 45 extra pounds around his midsection. I don’t even know how he was standing upright on his own. Suuuure, geezer, you’re just “leaning” on that fucking pole. I bet you’re hiding a defibrillator behind that damn tree, too! Are you also going to tell me how proud you are of your great great grandson, Alexandros, King of Macedon?! And is your baby picture found somewhere among the Lescaux Cave Paintings? Here’s some handy advice: if someone is so fucking old he used to WALK ACROSS WHAT WE NOW CALL “THE PACIFIC OCEAN,” a photo is utterly meaningless in his pursuit of a girl in her 20s. Either email proof that you are worth over $100 million or fuck off.

Craigie Awards: Photo Submissions

Submitted by CAJ

Hello, dear reader(s).

As part of my Masochistic Craigslist Experiment, I will be presenting awards, which I will call Craigies, to the unwitting respondents of my Craigslist ad.

I will first begin with Craigies awarded for photo submissions. Please note that while I’m ABSOLUTELY DYING (seriously DYYYYYYING) to post the actual photos I received in order to better tell the stories, I think that posting photos would be heinously bitchy because stupidity and ugliness do not justify such cruelty. But DO NOT for one fucking second take this rare act of kindness on my part to be a sign of weakness because, in addition to being delightfully charming, I’m unbreakable. UNBREAKABLE.

• Most Annoying Photo: One dude sent me a photo of himself in a MASQUERADE MASK. Psst! Phantom of the Opera! I can still tell YOU ARE UGLY.

• Most Repulsive Outfit: A man with an afro sent me a picture of himself wearing a purple, leopard-print, short-sleeved, button-down shirt. No, I did not pull those adjectives out of a grab bag of synonyms for BUTT UGLY CLOTHING DESCRIPTIONS. What this shirt needed was flames on it. Not printed flames. Real flames. Engulfing it. Like in Backdraft. And I’m hoping for his sake that somewhere in the background of this photo there sits a faithful seeing eye dog that explains this “situation” (not that that would stop me from mocking and spitting on him or kicking his dog for not doing its job). Oh, by the way. This wasn’t a candid shot where he was out with his friends at one of those “unbelievably creative, unique, and rare” Pimps and Hos parties that is the theme of EVERY OTHER FUCKING PARTY IN THE WORLD. No. This was a fucking posed, “professional” studio photo, so planning, time, money, AND delusions actually went into this bullshit picture. Let us offer a moment of silence for his penis, which has never before felt the soft, warm touch of a vaginal wall. Amen.

• Most Idiotic Mistake: One guy sent me two photos. In one, he looked hot and athletic in a basketball jersey — totally bangable. In another, he looked like he’d spent the past 4 years eating fried, chocolate-dipped hippopotamus lardballs. Now, which is probably the more recent one? Yes, even the idiots among us (god why are there so many of you) know that we generally pack ON the pounds as we age. What was Tubbo McDoritos thinking?!!? Why the FUCK would I give a mother fuck if he USED TO BE FIT? Why the FUCK is he showing me what he WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE if he hadn’t let himself go?!?! Do 47 year-old cougars try to pick up men by saying that they USED TO BE 17? Would I date a merely middle-class man who USED TO BE A BILLIONAIRE? Fuck no! Fucking grow a brain.

Don’t worry, there are plenty more awards to be given. Stay tuned…