Translation of a Man’s Profile ==> Reality

Submitted by C.A.J.

Anyone involved in the world of online dating should read this post because I’ve taken the time to dissect stories about the divergence between how men describe themselves in personal ads and what’s going on in real life.

He claims he’s 5′8″ ==> Trust me, he is 5′6″ (Universal formula: Posted Height – 2 inches = Actual Height)

Describes his body type as being “average” ==> He hasn’t run a mile since P.E. and drinks beer rather than water to quench his thirst.

Uses blurry photo where he looks hot ==> He looks nothing like that in person, and he will most definitely not be hot.

Does not use a photo at all but when you meed him he is attractive ==> He is married or has a girlfriend.

He says that his friends describe him as being “attractive” or “good-looking” ==> He is an idiot because no one ever says those words to a man. Those are words reserved to pump up the self-esteem of insecure girls.

He’s “not looking for anything too serious” ==> After you put out, you’ll never hear from him again.

He’s only been doing this online thing only “for a few weeks” ==> He has been doing it for months or maybe even years.

The Professor

Submitted by C.A.J.

I went on a second date with a guy whom I shall refer to as “The Professor” because he is an actual professor and because he is so insignificant to me that I have already forgotten his name less than one month after our second date.

The Professor had been the perfect gentleman on date #1. He asked thoughtful questions, he opened doors, he walked me home, etc. , so I decided that he deserved a date #2. On date #2, however, The Professor stopped behaving like a gentleman and started acting like a complete creepster.

The Professor and I started the night off at a wine bar, and the date had gotten off to a hectic start because my power went out as I was looking up directions to our restaurant, so I showed up slightly late and with wet hair (since I couldn’t use my blow dryer either). During dinner, he kindly offered to help me get my power back on at the end of the night, and I accepted.

The evening proceeded, and I started to get slightly creeped out because The Professor started asking overly sexual questions and making filthy jokes, such as “What’s your favorite sexual position?” and “If you came to my office hours, I’d bend you over my desk and spank you.” These remarks should have been red flags, but I was drunk at this point and laughed them off. Also, I really wanted someone to turn my power back on.

We then went to my house so that he could do whatever it was he needed to do with my fuse box so that I could continue living a life full of light and internet access. The Professor fiddled around in my garage, and we returned to my room so that I could test my power and internet. I opened up my computer to see if everything was working, and when I turned around, The Professor was standing before me UNCLOTHED. Somehow, in the 4 seconds that I had my back turned, The Professor had QUICKLY and SILENTLY removed all of his clothing save his boxer briefs. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing in his earnest face because it was the most desperate, weird, and shocking thing I had ever witnessed. He then tried to put the moves on me, but I was so creeped out that I, of course, didn’t even want him touching me. I really just wanted him to leave, so I had to actually say to him, “I think it’s really weird how you took your clothes off while my back was turned. Could you please put your clothes back on and leave?” Thankfully, he accommodated my requests and was out the door within minutes.

Needless to say, there was no date #3.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don’t invite someone to your place at the beginning of the date. There’s still too much time for things to turn awkward, and then you’ll be stuck having to figure out how to uninvite them to your place.
2. Don’t turn your back on a creep for more than 2 seconds because he could get naked on you.
3. Don’t date professors.
4. Learn how to use your fuse box so that you don’t have to invite a creepy professor into your home to do it for you.
5. It’s weird for someone to talk about wanting to spank you on a second date.

As for the dates, in true match.com fashion, they were random…

Below are awkward match.com dating stories, courtesy of my dearest friend CAJ. Enjoy!

Thursday: I went out with Allen, who is a substitute teacher. I found out that he’s working part-time and doesn’t have a teaching credential yet. He’s 28 but still lives at home with his PARENTS. We went to a happy hour where the bill was $20, and when I offered to pay for half, he LET ME! Then, he INVITED himself along to watch the Stanford basketball game with me at Blue House, where he proceeded to “split” my nachos with me. In summary, he was cheap, not that cute, not smart, not ambitious, broke, and lives at home.

Friday: I went out with Rick, who is a 2001 Cal grad. He lives in Bernal Heights and works in Hayward. We met up for drinks at some little bar in Hayes Valley. When I offered to take turns buying rounds with him, HE ACCEPTED. Once again, I was disgusted with this. I cannot believe a man can be stupid enough to ask a woman out and then not pay for the date. He TOTALLY blew it by allowing that to happen. Otherwise, he was reasonably intelligent and talkative. I didn’t think that he could remotely keep up with my banter though, so in the end, I am not responding to his invitation for a second date, which would have been at a sushi place in Bernal Heights ($20 cab right each way, right?)!! He was cute, but not cute enough for the rest of that mess. UGH. I was truly sickened and annoyed.

Saturday: I went out with John, who is a 33 year-old professor from Washington DC. He’s in town to do consulting work with the Exploratorium. We met for dinner at Umami and then had wine at Bin 38 and then even more drinks at Circa. Now that I’ve been on a date with a man in his 30s, I am convinced I should NEVER bother with a BOY in his 20s again because this guy did everything he was supposed to do! He asked me questions about myself, he insisted on paying for everything, he complimented me, etc. He was a smart, interesting, and nice guy. I’m not sure about the physical chemistry, and he is DEFINITELY a little too serious/intense for me (meaning, if I told the REAL jokes that I would normally say while drunk, he would’ve walked out on me), but whatever — he’s in town for ONE WEEK, so what does it even matter? He wanted to do dinner tonight, but I just don’t have time because I need to prep for work. Anyhow, I’ve agreed to have dinner with him again on Friday. I avoided a kiss the first night, but I’m sure he’ll move in for one on Friday. Could be AWKWARD!!

Whew! Glad I got that out of the way. No more match.com dates. They are such a waste of time.