Where’d he get that cash from? He got it from his mama.

Submitted by CAJ

The one you’re about to hear is a DOOZY. It’s a prime example of why I now believe that it’s okay to ask obnoxious screening questions before committing to a first date.

I was feeling adventurous, so I agreed to have drinks after work with a quasi-cute guy who seemed pretty nice. I met him at a bar that I chose because it’s gorgeous and has an awesome happy hour deal. The awkwardness and hideousness of this tale is best expressed, I feel, in the format of a script. My date’s character shall be called “Muni,” which also happens to be the name of the San Francisco bus system. My name shall be “Alexis” in order to protect my identity and the feelings of those about whom I so honestly blog.

SCENE: The outdoor patio of a trendy bar in San Francisco.

Muni: Hi, Alexis ! Nice to see you!
Alexis: Hey, Muni! Thanks for coming all the way over here for drinks!

[Muni and Alexis sit down at a table for two, peruse the menu, and order a round or drinks.]

Alexis: So how was work today? You’re a teacher, right?
Muni: Yes, but I didn’t work today.
Alexis: Oh, really? Why not?
Muni: I’m a substitute teacher. I’m still trying to get my teaching credential.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "WTF?!?! You're 28 years old and you don't even have a full time job?!?!]

Alexis: Well, that’s great. Teaching is a really noble profession, and I know that male teachers are really in demand. So where in the city do you live?
Muni: On Street I Forgot and Street I Forgot.
Alexis: Cool! Do you have roommates or do you live alone?
Muni: I live with my parents.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "OH HELLZ TO THE NO. FUCK THIS SHIT!"]

Alexis: Ohhhhhh… COOL. So what do you do when you’re not teaching?
Muni: Ummm… I lift weights.
Alexis: Awesome. Do you like to run? I love running outside.
Muni: I can’t run because of my knees.
Alexis: Awww, that’s too bad. So what else do you like to do in your free time?
Muni: I like watching wrestling.

[The check comes, and it totals $10.]

Alexis: Do you want me to pay for half?
Muni: Yeah, that would be awesome!

[Alexis thinks to herself, "NO, he di-n't!!!" Alexis literally puts $7 on the table (to help cover the tip as well) and vows to herself that she's done with this man. Alexis DOES NOT date men who live with their MOTHERS because Alexis is not 14 years old. Alexis is a grown woman who needs to find a man who has moved out of his parents' house and who has a full-time job. Alexis decides that this date must end IMMEDIATELY.]

Alexis: Well, it was great meeting you. I have to run! I’m actually going to go catch a basketball game at [SF Bar].
Muni: Cool! That sounds like fun! I think I’ll join you! How are you getting there? Are you taking the bus?
Alexis: Yeah, I was…
Muni: Great. Let’s go.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Alexis and Muni board a bus to the bar. The ride is painful. Alexis holds back tears as Muni tells her about how he had posted a Craigslist Missed Connection the prior week about a hot girl he had seen at the gym. Alexis and Muni arrive at the bar.]

Alexis: I’m hungry. I’m going to order nachos.
Muni: That sounds good. Can I split it with you?

[Alexis thinks, "NO! GO AWAY! I FUCKING HATE YOU!"]

Alexis: Yeah, sure!

[Hours of a basketball game pass as Alexis and Muni split nachos over very little conversation. Of course, the game goes into overtime. OF COURSE! The check comes.]

Alexis: I can get it.
Muni: Cool!
Alexis: It’s getting late. I’d better get home.
Muni: Can I walk you home?
Alexis: No, I don’t want you to know where I live.
Muni: [laughs]
Alexis: [laughs] Bye!!!

[Alexis walks home, vowing she will never date another man again. She occasionally turns around to make sure that Muni is not watching her to see where she lives. She arrives home and goes to bed, snuggled up closely to the feeling that she experiences after every date -- REGRET.]

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Questions it’s okay to ask a man before you agree to go on a date with him: Do you have a full-time job? Do you live at home with your mother? Are you too poor to take me out on a $10 date?
2. On a bad date, NEVER tell a man you’re going somewhere afterward because you could end up going on a 6-hour date that should have ended after 30 minutes. Just say you’re going home to sleep. Even if it’s 6 PM. Fuck it! Lie! Do whatever it takes to shake him! To be extra certain he won’t try to follow you, throw in a comment about how you were totally joking about being from town and that you’re actually from Siberia but are leaving the next morning, never to return because you’re terminally ill!

A Male’s View of the Dating Scene

Submitted by SJG

Under the pretense of sharing a male’s view of the dating scene, I’ve been asked to add my voice to Check, Please. I should state here and now that I am in a great relationship – so I’m hardly qualified to write about true stories of awful dating experiences. Honestly, if you asked me about my last bad date, I’d stare at you blankly before mentioning the time I was asked into an empty stall at a DFW airport men’s bathroom by a 50 year old married doctor. Awesome.

Oh – and in high school I took a girl to see How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I mean…fuck.

But those are in my past and I don’t cry about them any more (lie). Truth be told, I’ve had great luck on first dates (little lie). (Though, maybe we should back up and define “luck.” I don’t mean “sex.” If that’s the definition, then I’m fucking terrible at dating. For the sake of simplicity, let’s define a good first date as one where (i) a second date is mutually assumed and (ii) I avoided puking.) In my mind, a first date should be easy as long as the following criteria are met:

1. The guy is not a complete moron and does the basics right. We’ll call this the “Mother Rule.” If your mother raised you right, you do all these things without a second thought: open doors, assume you’ll pick up the check, compliment her, maintain eye contact and avoid racial slurs. The last one is pretty key.
2. You must be able to relate to each other on at least three topics. This is what makes or breaks a date. I’m convinced what we look for in a match is not just someone who we can relate to, but someone who can relate to us (and boobies). So it’s crucial to find things to talk about on the first date that can fuel conversation. The deeper and more nuanced the topic, the better. For example, discussing whether “80s Hair Metal totally paved the way for 90s Pop music,” [note: it did] is much preferable to “Unicorns? They’re fantastic!” (Actually, I take that back, the last example is an awesome and legitimate topic.)

I want to caveat one thing in point (1): guys – assume you’re going to pay. Never ask to split the bill. However, and this is where I take issue with previous posts, if a girl offers to pay her way then use your discretion whether to accept her offer. But girls, for fuck’s sake, it is damn confusing when you offer to pay and then get mad when we acquiesce. It is important to some people, women included, that they contribute financially, and it shouldn’t be up to the guy on the first date to decide which type of person you are (I mean, c’mon, we’re way too preoccupied trying not to stare at your chest and call you the name of our ex to bother trying to figure this shit out).

Assuming the above points are satisfied, a date should go fine. Sure there are things that could spoil a date (e.g., disclosing you have an STD), but nothing should be bad enough to actually spoil the date (seriously, have you seen the people on the Valtrex commercial? They’re practically fucking ecstatic to have genital herpes).

Q: What do you do if you’re on a date with a guy whom you suspect is gay?

Submitted by C.A.J.

Q: What do you do if you’re on a date with a guy whom you suspect is gay?

Disclaimer: Why are you asking ME for advice? Would you ask a hooker if she subscribes to The Economist? Oh well, f#$@ it!

Answer: DITCH HIS GAY ASS! Are you kidding me with that question?

Okay, in all seriousness, you might someday go on a date with someone whom you suspect is gay. This has happened to me on several occasions because gay men are drawn to my strong personality, impeccable style, and quick wit. Oh yeah, they like cocky b#%^@s, too.

Anyhoo, I agreed to meet this dude, let’s call him Tinkerbell (Tinks for short), at a sports bar. Do you want to know what Tinks showed up wearing? A turquoise polo shirt. I was like, are we in Nantucket? WTF?!?!

I let this slide and didn’t run out the side door because I really am trying to be more open-minded.

We then discussed our drink orders, and Tinks tells me he thinks he’s going to get a COSMO a la Sex and the City. I looked at him, waiting for him to start busting out laughing out loud. He didn’t. I kept waiting. He didn’t. My heart started racing, and I realized, this motherf@#@er is gay! Tinks is f#@ing gay! He is literally ordering a cosmo at a sports bar!

But again, I do not yet run out the door because this is the new open-minded me. Perhaps he is a secure, modern man who just enjoys cosmos! Yes, that’s it. PLEASE LET THAT BE IT.

We start talking more, and I am distracted by his voice and hand gestures. Is Tink’s voice more feminine than mine? Indeed, it is. Is he signing to me? WHAT is going on with his hands?

OMG HE IS GAY! HE IS TOTALLY GAY!

Now, I have absolutely nothing against the gays. Half of my best friends are gay, but I don’t date them. We shop together, and they tell me how fabulous I look in my Hermes scarves, but that’s it.

Anyhow, back to the story, I had to draw the line. This boy was obviously completely confused, and I am not going to be that girl who taught a man that he was actually gay. So I busted out of that bar and shouted, “Taxi!” and left his ass in the dust. And I still believe that was the mature solution.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. If a man shows up to a date wearing a pastel shirt, pretend you didn’t see him and leave the scene immediately.
2. If he catches you trying to walk out, scream out “Keep away, gay boy!” and just start running. Don’t look back because it’ll just slow you down. I know from experience.
3. If a man drinks any of the following drinks, he is gay: cosmo, appletini, anything pink or red. Take that drink and chug it. Then leave. Apply lesson #2 if necessary.

If you withhold sex after a man cooks, YOUR ASS is fried!

Submitted by C.A.J.

Apparently, if a man cooks you dinner, he thinks that his spatula is a ticket to your vagina. I learned this the hard way during date #3 with a boy whom I shall affectionately refer to as “Dine and Dash.”

Dine and Dash invited me to his place for dinner, where we cooked an amazing dinner together. We’re not talking the amateurish spaghetti bullshit that a lot of guys cook to try to get into your pants. We’re talking steak and bacon-wrapped dates. Dine and Dash was SERIOUS.

Unfortunately for him, seeing as how this was only date #3, I was SERIOUSLY not ready to put out, so when he tried to bust out a condom on me, I hurled it across the room and laughed in his face (playfully, of course… I think). Well, apparently Dine and Dash didn’t take this too well because despite what I thought was a romantic and splendid evening, I never heard from him again.

You’re probably thinking that perhaps he dumped me for reasons other than my prudish ways. I, too, contemplated this thought for 2 milliseconds before realizing that this is not possible for I am an unbelievable catch.

[Sadly, I continue to run into Dine and Dash as he lives 4 blocks from me. I last saw him walking to a yoga class, and I immediately hid behind a car because I was wearings sweats and looking like complete ass (even I cannot look do-able at ALL times). Hopefully, someday this blog will become immensely popular and he'll read this and know exactly who he is.]

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don’t let a man cook you dinner until you’re ready to put out because he’ll be pissed off if he doesn’t get some after all of that work. If you do mistakenly let him cook for you when it’s too early for sex, at least give him head. Kidding. This isn’t what I did. Mom, dad, you’re not reading this, right?
2. You need to carefully define what makes a man geographically desirable. You want to be able to see him often without hauling your ass across a town, lake, or ocean. You don’t want to constantly run into him at your local library or bus stop. If you make this mistake, you will no longer be able to roam around without make-up and with your hair in a ponytail. You’ll have to wear heels even when you go to Walgreens. ARE YOU READY FOR THAT COMMITMENT?

Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Get Wasted on a Date

Submitted by CAJ
Apparently, getting hammered on a date is a no-no. I don’t know this for a fact. I’m just basing this on a pattern that I’ve noticed, which is that after I get wasted on a date, I never EVER hear from the dude again. Yet I keep fucking doing it!! I’m an idiot, I know.

So in order to try to convince myself to stop this filthy habit, I racked my brain for a list of reasons why the the drunken dates need to stop, and here are the best ones I could come up with:

• Because you slur your words and mutter incomprehensibly

• Because you spit so much when you talk that it rains on your date’s face like Hurricane Andrew

• Because when you think you’re whispering sexily into his ear you’re actually screaming like the wailing hiss of death

• Because you might trip and knock out your two front teeth (this actually happened to a dear friend of mine)

• Because you might puke out the window of the car and then fall out of the car and onto the lawn with your left breast fully exposed (this actually happened to me)

• Because it’s hard to tell whether you’ve had consensual sex or were date raped

Pretty good reasons, eh? I think I’m convinced!! Let the near-sober dating begin!!!

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don’t get sloshed because the above listed items will happen.
2. Don’t black out in bed next to a man you don’t trust. Wait, back up. Don’t get wasted with a man you don’t trust because he might end up next to you in bed as you are blacked out. I know, I know. I, too, enjoy convincing myself that the hot ones ARE TRUSTWORTHY and only have my best interests at heart, just like the nerdy-looking, Stanford-educated ones, but really, this is not the case. The hotter they are, the more likely it is they’ll stick it in when (or WHERE) you least expect it.

For a good time don’t forget to check out MIXTT.com.

Shoo, Ugly, don’t bother me.

Submitted by C.A.J.

My apologies to all of the ugly men of the world, but I’ve learned that an ugly man cannot grow on me, unless we are talking about something along the lines of mold or some sort or parasitic creature or perhaps even cancer.

I went on a first date with a guy who looked like Cro Magnon Man. The Old Me would have said, “Oh HELLLLLLLLZ no!” and busted out of that joint so quickly, but New Open-Minded Me decided to give this guy a chance because he had the potential to be socially unawkward, unlike all of my other dates.

Cro Magnon Man had a decent job (dentist), and he was from California, like me. He was also VERY NICE to me, constantly praising me for being cool, nice, hot, etc. Blah blah, I hear it all the time.

ANYWAY, I felt absolutely no chemistry with Cro Magnon Man during our first date, but I agreed to go on a second date with him, so we arranged a dinner at a nearby sushi restaurant that I love.

Dinner was fun, but my loins burned for him with the passion and heat of our raw sushi dinner. I decided that continuing this any further would only be leading this poor caveman on, so I decided that it was time to pull the rip cord on this not-being-shallow bullshit that everyone keeps trying to sell me on! I was over it! How am I supposed to date a guy if I am repulsed by the idea of him touching me?!?! F*&$ THAT! That’s BS!

So I conveniently planned an “out” by telling him that I had to leave at 10 because I was meeting a girlfriend at a club to see Ashley Simpson. I thought that surely this would get rid of him. It was F*&$ING ASHLEY SIMPSON. I was literally going to watch Ashley Simpson lip sync her ass off, which should have been the most perfectly crafted escape hatch from this dungeon that Cro Magnon Man thought was a date.

Once again, because my life F*&$ING SUCKS and is full of nonstop awkwardness, torture, and unrequited affection, Cro Magnon Man chimed in, “I’ll come, too!” F*&$! I am AWFUL at untangling myself from dates when the dude is actually nice, so, of course, I cheerfully proclaim, “Yeah, that would be awesome! Let’s go!”

F*&$!

So we go to a club to meet my friend, and we wait around in this club for Ashley’s emergence. Meanwhile, Cro Magnon Man can’t keep his hands off me and keeps trying to kiss me because for some reason men think that being in a club makes grinding and making out in public socially acceptable. I spend my evening trying to run away from Cro Magnon Man, and I was at the point where I wanted to just run out of the club because his advances were becoming increasingly awkward to avoid. You can only turn your cheek to a kiss so many times. HOWEVER, I paid good money to see that ho Ashley “perform,” so I didn’t want to leave until I at least saw her!

B*&$ didn’t come out until one f*&$ing thirty AM. In other words, it was a loooooooooong night with Cro Magnon Man.

Ashley danced around and pretended to sing, and she looked GORGEOUS. As soon as she was done, I grabbed my friend and told her we were getting the f*&$ out of there. We tried to bolt out of the club, but Cro Magnon Man found me and literally ditched his friend (who had met us at the club) to chase after me and climb into our cab!! F*&$!! It was like trying to lose Sherlock Holmes!!

So what did I do to finally shake this dude? I pretended I was sick and dropped him off! Then, my girlfriend and I got dropped off at another bar and proceeded to drink until the pain went away.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don’t give nice, ugly guys a chance. Men can grow on you, but not the ones who physically repulse you from the get-go. There’s a difference between “He’s sorta cute, but I’m not so sure” and “WTF?! Did homie ride here on a brontosaurus?!”
2. Ashley Simpson is way hotter than Jessica. Like WAY.
3. Don’t assume that you can get rid of a man by mentioning “lame” plans. If a man wants to do you, he’ll go ANYWHERE.

Why MIXTT’s Group Dating Feature Is the Obvious Solution to Meeting New People Online.

MIXTT gets groups of friends to sign up together and meet other groups that pique their interest.

I’ll be honest, I’ve never been a fan of match.com or of blind – and potentially awkward-as-hell – dates in general. Instead, I rely on going out with friends, in hopes of meeting someone cool.

Unfortunately, I usually end up meeting the one guy at the bar that is married and has 3 kids at home. I’m sure I’m not the only one with such sour luck. Ladies, how many times have you indulged the oblivious, albeit generous “drink-buyer” in conversation even though he lost you at “Hey, do I know you from somewhere”? Guys, I’m sure you are not immune to this sort of misfortune either.

It shouldn’t be so hard for my friends and I to meet a group of guys that rival our own intellect, attractiveness, and life goals. If only there was a mechanism to enable these sorts of run-ins… well, leave it to Eve Peters to come up with an answer. That’s right, MIXTT does offer a solution.

Here’s how it works: You and your friends create a profile with some pictures, notes on your achievements, hobbies, favorite team, and so on. Then you peruse other group profiles and pick out the sort of guys/girls you and your friends would potentially hit it off with. From here you can choose to message, flirt, or ask to meet up with them.

Heck, I’d do anything to increase my chances of meeting a worthy male the next time I invest 45 minutes straightening my hair. If me and my friends knew that the guys we’re about to meet are actually educated, athletic, hot, SPCA volunteering, basketball enthusiast — well imagine! — that’s enough to get me to shave my legs! What a brilliant idea, Eve.

Translation of a Man’s Profile ==> Reality

Submitted by C.A.J.

Anyone involved in the world of online dating should read this post because I’ve taken the time to dissect stories about the divergence between how men describe themselves in personal ads and what’s going on in real life.

He claims he’s 5′8″ ==> Trust me, he is 5′6″ (Universal formula: Posted Height – 2 inches = Actual Height)

Describes his body type as being “average” ==> He hasn’t run a mile since P.E. and drinks beer rather than water to quench his thirst.

Uses blurry photo where he looks hot ==> He looks nothing like that in person, and he will most definitely not be hot.

Does not use a photo at all but when you meed him he is attractive ==> He is married or has a girlfriend.

He says that his friends describe him as being “attractive” or “good-looking” ==> He is an idiot because no one ever says those words to a man. Those are words reserved to pump up the self-esteem of insecure girls.

He’s “not looking for anything too serious” ==> After you put out, you’ll never hear from him again.

He’s only been doing this online thing only “for a few weeks” ==> He has been doing it for months or maybe even years.

The Professor

Submitted by C.A.J.

I went on a second date with a guy whom I shall refer to as “The Professor” because he is an actual professor and because he is so insignificant to me that I have already forgotten his name less than one month after our second date.

The Professor had been the perfect gentleman on date #1. He asked thoughtful questions, he opened doors, he walked me home, etc. , so I decided that he deserved a date #2. On date #2, however, The Professor stopped behaving like a gentleman and started acting like a complete creepster.

The Professor and I started the night off at a wine bar, and the date had gotten off to a hectic start because my power went out as I was looking up directions to our restaurant, so I showed up slightly late and with wet hair (since I couldn’t use my blow dryer either). During dinner, he kindly offered to help me get my power back on at the end of the night, and I accepted.

The evening proceeded, and I started to get slightly creeped out because The Professor started asking overly sexual questions and making filthy jokes, such as “What’s your favorite sexual position?” and “If you came to my office hours, I’d bend you over my desk and spank you.” These remarks should have been red flags, but I was drunk at this point and laughed them off. Also, I really wanted someone to turn my power back on.

We then went to my house so that he could do whatever it was he needed to do with my fuse box so that I could continue living a life full of light and internet access. The Professor fiddled around in my garage, and we returned to my room so that I could test my power and internet. I opened up my computer to see if everything was working, and when I turned around, The Professor was standing before me UNCLOTHED. Somehow, in the 4 seconds that I had my back turned, The Professor had QUICKLY and SILENTLY removed all of his clothing save his boxer briefs. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing in his earnest face because it was the most desperate, weird, and shocking thing I had ever witnessed. He then tried to put the moves on me, but I was so creeped out that I, of course, didn’t even want him touching me. I really just wanted him to leave, so I had to actually say to him, “I think it’s really weird how you took your clothes off while my back was turned. Could you please put your clothes back on and leave?” Thankfully, he accommodated my requests and was out the door within minutes.

Needless to say, there was no date #3.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don’t invite someone to your place at the beginning of the date. There’s still too much time for things to turn awkward, and then you’ll be stuck having to figure out how to uninvite them to your place.
2. Don’t turn your back on a creep for more than 2 seconds because he could get naked on you.
3. Don’t date professors.
4. Learn how to use your fuse box so that you don’t have to invite a creepy professor into your home to do it for you.
5. It’s weird for someone to talk about wanting to spank you on a second date.

As for the dates, in true match.com fashion, they were random…

Below are awkward match.com dating stories, courtesy of my dearest friend CAJ. Enjoy!

Thursday: I went out with Allen, who is a substitute teacher. I found out that he’s working part-time and doesn’t have a teaching credential yet. He’s 28 but still lives at home with his PARENTS. We went to a happy hour where the bill was $20, and when I offered to pay for half, he LET ME! Then, he INVITED himself along to watch the Stanford basketball game with me at Blue House, where he proceeded to “split” my nachos with me. In summary, he was cheap, not that cute, not smart, not ambitious, broke, and lives at home.

Friday: I went out with Rick, who is a 2001 Cal grad. He lives in Bernal Heights and works in Hayward. We met up for drinks at some little bar in Hayes Valley. When I offered to take turns buying rounds with him, HE ACCEPTED. Once again, I was disgusted with this. I cannot believe a man can be stupid enough to ask a woman out and then not pay for the date. He TOTALLY blew it by allowing that to happen. Otherwise, he was reasonably intelligent and talkative. I didn’t think that he could remotely keep up with my banter though, so in the end, I am not responding to his invitation for a second date, which would have been at a sushi place in Bernal Heights ($20 cab right each way, right?)!! He was cute, but not cute enough for the rest of that mess. UGH. I was truly sickened and annoyed.

Saturday: I went out with John, who is a 33 year-old professor from Washington DC. He’s in town to do consulting work with the Exploratorium. We met for dinner at Umami and then had wine at Bin 38 and then even more drinks at Circa. Now that I’ve been on a date with a man in his 30s, I am convinced I should NEVER bother with a BOY in his 20s again because this guy did everything he was supposed to do! He asked me questions about myself, he insisted on paying for everything, he complimented me, etc. He was a smart, interesting, and nice guy. I’m not sure about the physical chemistry, and he is DEFINITELY a little too serious/intense for me (meaning, if I told the REAL jokes that I would normally say while drunk, he would’ve walked out on me), but whatever — he’s in town for ONE WEEK, so what does it even matter? He wanted to do dinner tonight, but I just don’t have time because I need to prep for work. Anyhow, I’ve agreed to have dinner with him again on Friday. I avoided a kiss the first night, but I’m sure he’ll move in for one on Friday. Could be AWKWARD!!

Whew! Glad I got that out of the way. No more match.com dates. They are such a waste of time.